This post responds to common comments about Down syndrome and prenatal testing that people were telling me. When our son received a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome, we also received something else: opinions. Some were spoken gently, others bluntly or even cruelly. Over time, I noticed that many comments followed the same patterns.
Below are things that have been said to me — and how I respond to them. The order is random.
1. “If I were you, I wouldn’t have a child with Down syndrome.”
I wanted my son at 7 weeks pregnant, and I wanted him just the same at 12 weeks. The diagnosis did not change who he was. He was still the same baby I had already welcomed into my heart.
If our first child was wanted and loved, how could our second suddenly be less wanted or less loved because of a diagnosis? They are equally our children — exactly as they are.
2. “You are consciously and deliberately choosing to have a disabled child. That’s not right.”
I did not consciously or deliberately inject an extra chromosome into every cell of his body. Trisomy 21 is a random event in cell division. It was not a choice.
What was a choice was to love him, to welcome him, and to recognize his value. A diagnosis does not reduce a child’s importance or meaning in our lives.
3. “You are taking advantage of state benefits and wasting public money by having this child and using services.”
If we speak purely in financial terms, every child costs the state money. Children are not expenses — they are investments.
Yes, a child with Down syndrome may need more services early on. The goal of those services is independence, participation, and quality of life later. If anyone truly wastes public money, it is not children or families — it is bloated bureaucracies far removed from real life.
4. “Your life will be very hard because a child with Down syndrome is such a burden.”
For us, the opposite is true. He is one of our greatest sources of joy and motivation. He inspires us to live well, to slow down, and to appreciate what truly matters.
Attending therapies from time to time is a small effort compared to the daily happiness, warmth, and perspective he brings into our lives.
5. “You are risking your own health and the baby’s health by refusing prenatal check-ups.”
The greatest risk to my health was actually during my son’s pregnancy with intensive prenatal testing.
A chorionic villus sampling carries about a 1% risk of miscarriage. On top of that, the information I received at appointments left me so distressed that I should never have been driving — yet I had to drive home. It is a miracle I did not crash.
Without prenatal screening this time, I am significantly calmer. These tests do not cure a baby in the womb. I have taken responsibility for my own health by doing necessary blood tests for infections and general well-being.
6. “It’s sad for your healthy child to grow up in a family like this.”
In reality, she is lucky. Having a younger brother has made her more empathetic, patient, and compassionate. She has learned to notice others and to care deeply.
We do not place responsibility for him on her. She is free to live her own life. But growing up with him has enriched her humanity — not diminished it.
In Conclusion
These statements often come from fear, assumptions, or deeply ingrained societal ideas about worth, productivity, and perfection. They rarely come from lived experience.
Our family is not tragic. Our life is not ruined. Our children are not mistakes.
They are simply our children — all wanted, all loved, and fully human.
And that, for us, is enough.
If you want to explore the ethics of prenatal testing and how its justifications are critiqued in the literature, this open-access review provides an in-depth discussion of common ethical arguments related to prenatal diagnosis and disability.
You are not alone in this.
If you would like to go deeper, you can buy the e-book Our Journey – A Different Path for honest reflections and lived experience beyond this post: https://payhip.com/b/c9s3b
You can also purchase supportive routine templates designed to help parents and children navigate daily life with more clarity, structure, and understanding: https://payhip.com/b/RYA65
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