Having children makes you see your previous life with uncomfortable clarity. Here is what I see when I look back, and what I am choosing to do with it.
The view from here
What children teach you about your past mistakes is not something anyone warned me about. You look back at the years before and think: I had time, money, energy and freedom, and I used almost none of it wisely. Parties, wasted money, moving around without direction. Both my partner and I lived like that for years – separately, before we knew each other, but in remarkably similar ways. Neither of us built the foundation that would make this season easier. And now we are building it anyway, just with considerably less space and resource to work with.
I know this is our own doing. I am not trying to shift that responsibility elsewhere. But knowing something is your own fault does not make it easier to live inside, and I think there is value in saying so plainly rather than packaging it as a lesson learned and moving on.
The education I am still angry about
I spent years in formal education. I have a master’s degree. I can resolve dominant seventh chords in every key, speak confidently in front of an audience, read and play music by ear or from sheet music. These are real skills and I worked for them.
But I cannot manage money. I struggle with relationships and communication in ways that have cost me. I did not learn the things that actually determine the quality of a daily life – financial literacy, practical problem-solving, how to ask for help effectively, how to build the kind of network that shows up when things go wrong. None of that was on the curriculum. I emerged with credentials and without the tools I needed most.
I am not entirely sure who to be angry at for this – myself, the education system, some combination of both. Probably both. What I know is that the return on investment has not matched what I put in, and that the skills I use every day raising three children have almost nothing to do with anything I formally studied.
The advice that contradicts itself
When you are in financial difficulty and you look for guidance, you quickly discover that the advice from people who have money points in completely opposite directions depending on who you ask. Save everything. No, invest boldly. Cut back on all spending. No, take out a loan and move faster. This will take ten years. No, you can turn it around quickly if you are disciplined. The contradictions make it almost impossible to know where to begin, and the people giving the advice are usually far enough from the actual problem that they do not understand what the constraints really are.
We are trying to figure it out ourselves. That is where we are.
The victim mentality I am trying to outgrow
I want to be honest about something that is uncomfortable to admit. I have an ingrained tendency to wait for things to be done for me, to look outward for rescue, to feel hard done by when it does not come. I was raised with a lot of done-for-me, and it left a gap where self-sufficiency should have been.
I still feel genuine anger toward family members who have significant means and did not show up when I could not get out of bed after surgery. I think that anger is partly justified – there is a moral dimension to that kind of absence that is separate from any legal obligation. But I also know that sitting in that anger does not move anything forward. The help is not coming from those directions. I have to work with what is actually there.
What is actually there, when I am honest: a partner who is completely present and committed, who takes the children every day, fixes everything that breaks, hands over money even when there is almost none of it, and does not leave. A support worker for Mr who has become a genuine presence in our lives. A grandfather who shows up. Neighbours who have helped in real and practical ways. A municipality that has supported us financially with Mr’s therapies and childcare. These things are not nothing. They are quite a lot.
What I am actually grateful for
People have been envious of things in my life and I used to find that hard to understand. Now I see it more clearly. My partner is genuinely devoted – to me, to the children, to this family. That is rarer than it should be and I know it. Three children, conceived without difficulty, carried without serious complications, delivered by c-section with recoveries that were hard but complete. Many people cannot say any part of that. A nursing relationship with all three that has worked, that continues to work, that I have been able to sustain through everything else happening around it.
The years of living freely were not entirely wasted either. I experienced enough of that life that I do not look at my children and feel that they took something from me. I had my time. I used it carelessly, but I had it. And now I am here, which is where I want to be, even on the days when it is very hard.
What I am doing with all of this
I do not have a tidy conclusion. What children teach you about your past mistakes is not a lesson you absorb once and then move past – it comes back around, especially on the harder days, and the work is to hold it without letting it become the whole story.
I made poor choices. The education system failed me in specific ways. Some people who should have helped did not. My partner and I are navigating a difficult financial season while also raising three children under five, one of whom has Down syndrome, in a small house in a rural area with limited resources. All of that is true.
Also true: I have not given up. Neither has he. The children are fed and warm and loved. We are still trying to figure out how to build something better, even now, even from here. That is not nothing either.
You are not alone.
If this story resonated with you and you’d like to go deeper, you can explore my e-book Our Journey – A Different Path. It offers honest reflections and lived experience beyond this post.
If you’re looking for practical support, I’ve created Routine Templates to help parents and children navigate daily life with more clarity, structure, and understanding.
You can also read my previous posts or follow along on Instagram @parentguidancehub, where I share everyday reflections on parenting, family life, and finding balance.
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