The Idea of Community
People often say that it takes a village to raise a child. In theory, there should be a sense of community between people. Neighbours supporting each other, families helping one another, and parents not having to face everything alone.
But honestly, I often wonder where that village actually is.
Sometimes it feels like instead of support, there is more criticism, judgment, or even cruel comments. The idea of a strong, caring community sounds beautiful, but in reality I rarely see it.
We live in the countryside, where people often talk about how close and united rural communities are. Yet my own experience has been very different.
When Support Turns Into Cruelty
When I was pregnant with my son, I hoped for understanding and support. I chose to speak openly about his Down syndrome diagnosis because I believed honesty would bring empathy. I thought raising a child with Down syndrome in a small community is helpful.
Instead, I heard comments that shocked me.
Some people said things like:
“Why are you having him?”
“Why don’t you terminate the pregnancy?”
“Your life will become suffering.”
“A child like that shouldn’t be born.”
Hearing words like that from people around you destroys trust. It makes it very difficult to believe in the kindness of others.
Since then, I have often felt that the safest place is simply within my own family.
Trying to Build a Social Life for the Children
Even so, I still try to maintain some contact with people. Mostly for the sake of the children. I want them to have friends and social experiences.
But if I were honest about my own preference, sometimes I would choose to live in isolation like in a cave.
One hobby that works well for me is singing in a choir. There is something comfortable about it. We come together, rehearse the songs, focus on music, and then everyone goes home. There is no pressure for unnecessary social interaction.
Sometimes that kind of structured environment feels easier than casual social life.
Practical Help From the Municipality
To be fair, we have received practical help in some areas.
When we realized that we needed to move and live separately, I contacted a social worker from the municipality. Fortunately, there was an apartment available for us.
The head of the municipal services department has also been helpful. He has visited several times to deal with things like sewage, waste management, and the mailbox.
Those practical solutions have meant a lot to us.
But moving itself is extremely expensive – especially when you move into a completely empty apartment.
Starting From Almost Nothing
When we moved, we needed almost everything:
- a table
- chairs
- cupboards
- curtain rods
- household appliances
- basic kitchen items
Even buying the simplest things added up to a large four-digit amount.
That part we had to handle entirely on our own.
Interestingly, I have relatives who are very wealthy. Over the years they have received a lot of help and support from me. Yet now, when our family is struggling financially, they offer nothing.
Of course, legally they do not have to. The world functions based on legal rights and obligations, not moral ones.
Still, sometimes it feels strange that people can simply watch while a family with soon three small children struggles near the poverty line and feel no urge to help.
Learning to Manage With Very Little
Blaming others does not really help. If we cannot manage our lives well enough, we must take responsibility ourselves.
Fortunately, we have always managed to keep food on the table and pay our bills. We are not starving and we are not in debt.
But life is still difficult financially.
We cannot really afford anything extra.
My partner’s clothes are falling apart. Most of the children’s items are already second-, third-, or even fifth-hand. I have not bought anything for myself in years.
We are learning slowly about financial planning and trying to become wiser about money.
The Reality of Housewarming Visits
After moving into our new home, we thought it would be nice to invite some guests for small housewarming visits.
Two gatherings have already taken place.
Now I sometimes wonder if inviting people was a mistake.
No one has asked what we actually need. Yet the list of necessary items is very long.
One neighbour did ask and promised to bring several useful things. We are hopeful.
But many visitors brought things that we simply cannot use.
Discounted strawberries that were already half mouldy.
Cheap snack foods we could easily buy ourselves.
Bread – large amounts of bread.
And many scented candles and fragrance products.
I cannot tolerate strong smells, especially during pregnancy. Even during my first pregnancy they made me nauseous, and now, expecting my third child, the reaction is the same.
It makes me wonder why people bring random things instead of simply asking what would be helpful.
What we truly need are simple practical items: forks, knives, spoons, a kettle, a pan, baking dishes, hygiene products, cupboards, or even help with transportation.
Someone even offered us an old sofa that had been sitting for decades in an unheated house. It smelled of mould and dampness.
Offering something like that to a family with two small children did not feel very thoughtful.
Gratitude for the People Who Truly Helped
At the same time, there are people whose help we deeply appreciate.
My partner’s friends helped us enormously during the move. Carrying heavy cupboards and even a piano up the stairs is something I simply could not have done.
When they come to visit soon, I definitely want to bake something nice for them and prepare a good meal. Their help made a real difference.
Also, our new neighbour who’s my daughter’s friend’s mom. She promised so many necessities and bring them soon. We are beyond grateful. She told me directly to say what we need and she will bring what’s possible. That’s the real help we need.
We bought some appliances second-hand and hope they will last: the refrigerator, washing machine, and electric stove. Having those working makes everyday life much easier.
Preparing for Life With Three Children
Soon our third baby will arrive.
My plan is to breastfeed as much as possible, probably around the clock in the early months.
If anyone wants to visit then, they might have to bring their own food and clean up after themselves. At that point I will simply be focusing on the baby and the children.
Right now I try to stay positive for the sake of my kids, but some days are definitely harder than others.
Looking Ahead
In the coming weeks we will also travel twice to the capital with our son for medical appointments.
One visit will be for hearing examinations. Another will take place at the children’s hospital where several specialists will evaluate him – neurologists, psychologists, physiotherapists, speech therapists, and others.
We hope everything goes well and that this will be the last major evaluation for a while.
Because our son has hearing loss in one ear, hearing tests will likely continue twice a year throughout his life. But compared to many other possible complications, this is manageable.
The most important thing is that he remains healthy and active.
The Joy of Getting Outside
Despite everything, getting out of the house always improves our mood.
Yesterday we went swimming and visited several shops afterwards. By the end of the day everyone slept wonderfully.
Even though leaving home with small children requires a lot of effort and carrying bags, it is worth it.
Today the sun is shining and spring is finally arriving. Soon I will go for another walk with my son.
Fresh air and movement give us energy.
My daughter gets to spend time outside with her kindergarten group, and my partner works outdoors as well. For us, going outside is a special part of the day that we plan intentionally.
And honestly, those walks are often the best moments of all.
You are not alone.
If this story resonated with you and you’d like to go deeper, you can explore my e-book Our Journey – A Different Path. It offers honest reflections and lived experience beyond this post.
If you’re looking for practical support, I’ve created Routine Templates to help parents and children navigate daily life with more clarity, structure, and understanding.
You can also read my previous posts or follow along on Instagram @parentguidancehub, where I share everyday reflections on parenting, family life, and finding balance.
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