The Question Many Women Ask
Does a woman lose her identity when she becomes a mother and devotes herself to her children? Or does she actually find her identity? What is motherhood identity?
I see many feminist posts online where young women say they do not want children—or do not want more children—because they would lose their life and themselves. The argument is often that motherhood takes away freedom, time, sleep, money, travel, and career opportunities.
But when I read those posts, one question always comes to my mind:
What did your own mothers do?
If they had not cared for you, you would not exist.
At the same time, many women deeply wish to become mothers but cannot. Infertility is common and painful. When motherhood is possible, it can be something to feel grateful for rather than something to avoid.
What Does “Having Your Own Life” Really Mean?
People often say they want to keep their own life. Usually that means:
- Spending time and money on themselves
- Sleeping through the night
- Resting during the day
- Traveling
- Building a career
In other words, living mainly for yourself.
There is nothing wrong with that choice. But for me, it simply does not feel as meaningful as devoting my life to raising children.
We live in a time of declining birth rates in many countries. Every child is incredibly valuable. Every child deserves attention, love, and care.
Personally, I almost feel it as a civic responsibility to raise children so that our people and culture continue.
From Personal Ambition to Family Life
My children are four and two years old, and I am expecting our third baby.
Before becoming a mother, I lived mostly for myself. I completed a master’s degree in music pedagogy and often receive job offers. People assume I will return to work.
But the truth is simple: I am not interested.
I have been saying “no” to job offers for years now, and I will probably continue saying no for many more years. Maybe forever.
My identity today is raising my children.
All my time, energy, money, and attention go to them—and I am completely at peace with that.
The Invisible Work of Motherhood
Motherhood is often underestimated because it happens at home and outside traditional workplaces.
But the reality is that caring for children easily fills more than a full-time job.
My daily life includes:
- About three hours a day cooking and doing household work
- Six to seven hours a day actively caring for children
- Diapers, potty training, washing, dressing, feeding
- Treating illnesses with inhalers, nasal aspirators, and saline solution
- Playing, singing, reading books, and going outside every day
My two-year-old son also has Down syndrome, which means extra organization:
- therapy appointments
- rehabilitation plans
- doctors’ visits
- emails and paperwork
- scheduling physiotherapy, speech therapy, and other specialists
All of this together is easily more than a full-time job.
Soon there will also be a newborn who will likely breastfeed around the clock.
Sleep, Energy, and Survival
One thing that allows me to manage all this is sleep.
I usually spend about ten hours in bed each night and get around seven hours of actual sleep. Even while breastfeeding my previous babies every one to three hours at night, this rhythm helped me keep enough energy for daily life.
Without that rest, none of this would be sustainable.
The Role of My Partner
My partner works hard and brings most of the money home. The children love spending time with him after work, and they have a strong bond.
After long workdays he still helps with many things:
- assembling furniture
- helping with home repairs
- caring for animals at his parents’ place
- spending time with the children
Neither of us spends much money on ourselves. Most of our budget goes to food, bills, and basic necessities. Hygiene products alone cost a lot these days.
But for us, time is more valuable than money.
Choosing Children Over Personal Comfort
I gladly give up many personal comforts to focus on my children.
My parents devoted themselves to raising me. Now I can give something back to society by devoting myself to my own children.
To me, the small children in my life are worth every sacrifice.
One Small Thing for Yourself
There is one thing I believe mothers should try to keep: one hobby.
For me, it is choir rehearsal once a week. It gives me a short break from the daily routine.
During the first months of breastfeeding the new baby, I will probably pause choir for about nine months. But before and after that, it is wonderful to step out for a couple of hours while my partner stays with the children.
Goodbye Personal Identity?
So perhaps the answer is simple.
Maybe I did not lose my identity.
Maybe motherhood became my identity.
For now, my life revolves around raising children, loving them, and being present for them every day. One day my perspective may change—but I do not see that happening anytime soon.
For this season of life, my children are my world. ❤️
You are not alone.
If this story resonated with you and you’d like to go deeper, you can explore my e-book Our Journey – A Different Path. It offers honest reflections and lived experience beyond this post.
If you’re looking for practical support, I’ve created Routine Templates to help parents and children navigate daily life with more clarity, structure, and understanding.
You can also read my previous posts or follow along on Instagram @parentguidancehub, where I share everyday reflections on parenting, family life, and finding balance.
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