It Takes a Village to Raise a Child: Where Did It Go?

I keep thinking about an old saying. The more time passes, the more it seems that the village has shrunk and money has taken its place.

An old saying, and what has happened to it

It takes a village to raise a child. I find myself returning to that phrase more and more. In the past, people helped one another, and helping was seen as a moral duty. Today it often feels as if nobody cares how you are doing unless you pay for it. In my experience the village is becoming smaller and smaller, and money is becoming the village instead. I find that genuinely sad.

I have even heard of grandparents who ask for payment for spending time with their grandchildren. To me that is unheard of. It seems to me that the moral duty has quietly disappeared and only the legal one is left.

The recovery I did not do alone, but nearly

I have three children under five, and help is not a luxury for us, it is a necessity. I have not had parents or grandparents to lean on for many years. I am in my late thirties, and my third baby is six months old. The older I get, the harder it is to recover from an emergency c-section.

After the last one I needed seven doses of painkillers a day just to get out of bed, and I was not allowed to lift anything heavier than the baby. When my partner was away for two hours, I phoned him in tears. I needed help that badly. Where was the rest of the family? Nobody seemed to care.

We searched desperately online for a childminder. In the end we found one, and the municipality agreed to support us financially. I also got some help from my partner’s parents, from neighbours and from a few others. I am grateful for all of it. But it was not a village. It was a handful of people holding up a very heavy roof.

The late start problem

In one way I understand people who wait to have children until they are financially secure. The trouble is that biology does not change, and by that time it is often already too late. I think this is one of the reasons birth rates are so low in so many places. When you are young you have no money. Without money you have no help. Without help it is very, very hard to raise children, if not impossible.

It takes a village to raise a child, and if the village now has to be paid for, then those who most need it, the young parents, are the ones who can least afford it.

What actually keeps us going

I am lucky in one important way: my partner does a great deal. While I was in hospital he did everything. I never have to worry about the children when they are with their father. There is always warm food on the table, teeth are brushed, and everything is in order. His parents help too, and they live nearby, so Ms is often with them. Nursery helps as well, and it is something we can manage to pay for.

Even so, my last trip to the city alone with the two boys showed me how hard it can be. How wonderful it would be if my partner could simply leave work and come along without worrying about how much money he would lose that day.

The wish list

If we had the means, I would hire a childminder for long hours straight away. I would also ask for a driver, a cook and a cleaner at least two or three times a week. How simple everything would be! But wishing does not make it so.

The stress comes from having to do so much myself. At the same time I see other people around me who manage even more. Some of them also keep plants and animals. I have no idea how they find the time and energy.

Lowering the standard

The standard has to come down so far that if everyone is alive by the evening, the day has gone well. That is how it is.

What I miss is not having to deal with duties all the time, the nagging, the arguing, the power struggles. I would love simply to hold my children and cuddle them, sing with them, recite poems, dance, rap and play. There is very little time for that. Most of the day is spent driving somewhere, sending emails, cooking, cleaning and running between doctors. Some people do all of this and go to work as well, and I honestly do not know how.

I am at least glad that I can be at home. Otherwise there would be the extra stress of taking sick leave and everything that comes with it. We will see how things go.

I still believe that it takes a village to raise a child. I just wish the village were a little easier to find.

You are not alone.

If this story resonated with you and you’d like to go deeper, you can explore my e-book Our Journey – A Different Path. It offers honest reflections and lived experience beyond this post.

If you’re looking for practical support, I’ve created Routine Templates to help parents and children navigate daily life with more clarity, structure, and understanding.

You can also read my previous posts or follow along on Instagram @parentguidancehub, where I share everyday reflections on parenting, family life, and finding balance.